we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
