I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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