my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
