I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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