I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize