I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
