I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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