Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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