Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
