I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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