You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
