I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
