Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
