i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
