Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize