My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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