Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
