Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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