so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize