I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
