Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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