...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
