No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
When are your genitals available?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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