I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
