I think I won the penis lottery.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
