We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
