I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
