Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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