Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
