I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
