guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
