My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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