i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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