The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
