hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize