why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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