i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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