omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
