I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need to sanitize my soul.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
