Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
