I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize