My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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