No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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