can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
