I think my fart just growled at me.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
