I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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