a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
