You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We need to get me chipped asap
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
