I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
