made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
its liver damage thursday
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
