life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
