Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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