in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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