I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I intend to get homeless drunk
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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