Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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