I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I CAN MOONWALK!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
