If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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