His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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