This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
