His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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