like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
