I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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