Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
