So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
